Dear Lord,



Who art in heaven,
Thanks for striking a town of gluttons with a vicious plague (Numbers 11:33-34).

 

Hallowed be thy name.
Thanks for sending a bear to maul to death a couple dozen children who had teased a bald man (2 Kings 2:23-24).

 

Thy kingdom come,
Thanks for killing every man, woman, child and infant on the planet (except Noah's family) with a Great Flood (Genesis 7:23)

 

Thy will be done,
You told the Israelites to kill all the men and rape the women and children in the towns they invaded (Deuteronomy 20:13-16)

 

On earth,
You commanded we take any child who dared to disobey his parents to the town square and hurl stones at his body and head until the child was dead (Deuteronomy 21:18-21)

 

As it is in heaven.
And that children who curse their parents are to be put to death (Matthew 15:3-4)

 

Give us this day
You chastised the Pharisees for failing to kill those children who defied their parents' commands (Mark 7:9-13)

 

Our daily bread,
It pleases you to smell of blood and roasted corpses after the Great Flood (Genesis 8:21)

 

And forgive our trespasses,
You desire your followers to bring before you any man who doesn't believe in you, and to violently slaughter him while you watch (Luke 19:27)

 

As we forgive those,
You killed one man by having his body eaten by a swarm of worms because the man failed to give you your due (Acts 12:23).

 

Who trespass against us,
Thanks for incinerating the genitals, mouths and every other orifice of the people in the towns of Sodom and Gomorra (Genesis 19:24-25).

 

Lead us not into temptation,
You killed a husband and wife for not forking over all the money they made on a real estate transaction (Acts 5:1-10).

 

But
You struck a man blind for thwarting your teachings (Acts 13:8-11).
You struck a man dumb for failing to listen well (Luke 1:20).

 

Deliver us from evil
You even killed an EVIL fig tree for failing to bear figs, even though you knew figs weren't in season (Mark 11:12-14).

 

For Thine is the Kingdom,
You will will create horse-like locusts will human heads, women's hair, lion's teeth and scorpion's tails which will sting and inflict savage pain on sinners for five months (Revelation 9:7-10)

 

The Power
You’ll inflict bodily sores, turning the seas and rivers to blood, scorching everyone with fire, causing people to consume their own tongues in pain (Revelation 16:1-21).

 

And the Glory
Meanwhile, the smoke of the burning, rotting bodies will ascend and plague the Earth forever (Revelation 14:10-11).

 

For ever and ever
The world will be covered in unburied dead bodies, rotting everywhere, while good Christians will "rejoice over them and make merry, and shall send gifts to one another" (Revelation 11:5-10).




Amen.